It seems that in 2020, if you're breathing, you're overthinking. For me, much of this overthinking has been taking place in my home, the one remaining place that feels safe to me. I remember feeling like an imposed stay at home was the worst thing that could happen and now, I feel like being at home is one of the greatest things ever. Here, I can filter my media intake, or cut it off completely. Here, I can shut out what feels negative to me. Here, I have some semblance of control.
I am lucky. I can do 90% of my work from home. When I am not working, I have a tendency to get caught up in the brain spin. My particular brand of brain spin has been causing quite a bit of anxiety, if I'm honest, especially about things that are outside of my control. The election. The pandemic. The health and well-being of people I love.
Then someone who knows me well pointed out that I seem to have anxiety, and on top of that, anxiety about having anxiety. She was right. I have been struggling with anxiety, a new thing for me over the last year or so. I feel like there's something wrong with me for having it. I have anxiety about having anxiety.
For me, the anxiety is a direct result of the overthinking. Anyone else running into this?
I am the kind of person who likes to delve deep into a situation or a problem to ferret out the causes, the intricacies and finally, the solutions. But some things get worse, the more we delve, the more tightly we grasp. Some things only get better when we let them go.
Letting go doesn't come easily to me, or to anyone I've ever spoken with about it. It seems as humans we are programmed to cling to things, people, situations, feelings. We seem pretty hellbent on not letting go. We keep trying to control the things that are outside of our control. Pretty big waste of time, right? And yet, we feel compelled. I know I do, anyway.
So how and where can I let go safely? Sometimes, I can let go in the company of others that I love and trust. That's rare for a Capricorn though. It takes a lot to trust and even more to believe that I am loved. So, if not with your closest peeps, then where?
The only place I have found where I can truly let go is in a one on one communion with the Divine -- and this occurs for me in meditation, yoga and mantra.
Meditation allows for learning to be with myself in the stillness.
Mantra gives me something to focus on when I get distracted and pulled out of the stillness.
Yoga gives my body an action to take that not only helps me be balanced and well, but also provides a distraction for my overthinking mind.
The difficult part, for me, is the discipline of doing these things daily -- having a practice that I follow -- a routine. It's easy to talk myself out of something being more important that my own well-being, balance and mental quiet. For the longest time, I thought I have to delve in and figure out the why. Why do I think these things? Why don't I just do it if I know it helps? Why do I let myself get caught up in the whys? Because then I have something to blame for my inaction and how I feel.
So, as my business coach keeps telling us in her Facebook lives and in our 1:1 sessions, SHOW UP. DO THE THING. Just like my yoga coach in India kept telling me, SHOW UP. DO WHAT YOU CAN. BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF. Sometimes I just need reminders. When I show up, and I do the thing, and I am compassionate with myself when I don't do the thing, or it takes twice as long to do the thing, I am still active, taking baby steps, and my mind gets quieter. And in the quiet, I hear all the MORE that the universe has for me.
Here's to the MORE.
Namaste.